I'm in Montana. I have been traveling a lot lately, from here to there with no real sense of rootedness. I have gotten a bit tired of all the travel and would prefer at this point to have a week of lazy days with nothing planned. That is what I crave. Instead I am here, doing what I want to be doing. I set this up- I planned this. This is my project. This is my choice.

I have been following a pain specialist around since I arrived in Montana. She and I buzz like little birds from meeting to meeting, introductions, explanations, hand shakes. My hands shake with all the action. She has been absolutely instrumental in my project- without her I never would have been able to come to Billings and even try to do this project. One of the meetings we had yesterday (yesterday! I can't believe this was just a day ago!) was with a group of new hospital employees. These were all future care givers: nurses, nurses assistants, desk people. All individuals who will be responsible for patients in one way or another in the near future. The meeting was to explain the concept of pain and pain control.

We arrived a little late so I didn't get a chance to really meet the group. Hummingbird had me running around during introductions so I couldn't focus on who was who. It was all women ranging in age from about 20 to about 45. They were all caucasian. I read a few badges when I finally got a chance to sit down, so I knew the group ranged in education level and experience from no high school diploma to bachelors degrees.

When introducing people to modern pain control the first hurdle is getting them to accept the idea that pain is whatever the person says it is. period. No matter if the person appears to be pain free, no matter if the person has a reputation of asking for a lot of pain medication. The latest pain control philosophy states pain is a subjective experience and no other person can determine what sort of pain relief an individual is achieving from their pain medication. Many people will even go so far as to say if a patient is in pain and is asking for more medication, then the medical establishment should treat that pain up until the degree that the patient is experiencing trouble breathing as result of too much pain medication. It's kind of complicated. It also seems to trouble care providers- they no longer are allowed to pass judgements on patients regarding amount of pain medication the patient requests.

This is hard for people who like to judge others.

So the presentation was ruffling a few feathers here and there. Some people had been in pain and understood the message Hummingbird was trying to get across. Other people were thinking of their own experiences with patients and couldn't accept that the former heroin addict who was requesting pain medication for his metastatic colon cancer wasn't just trying to get high.

And in my opinion, if a dying person wants to get high as a means to escape their physical and emotional pain, who am I to stand in their way?

Anyway, a woman at the back of the room spoke up. "What about Native Americans?" she asked. "Don't they have big problems with addiction? Don't they have lower pain tolerances? Aren't they just using the medications to get high?" she said. "Aren't they all addicts?" she finished.

Hummingbird looked at her and said, "That is not documented anywhere in the literature. In fact, Lola, tell them about your thesis project."

I responded. I told them about my project. I didn't tell them that the reason I am doing this project is because Native Americans aren't asking for nearly as much pain medication as their caucasian counterparts. I didn't tell them that Native Americans are dying faster and in more pain than other races because the medical establishment ignores us and doesn't bother to try to understand our philosophy concerning pain and cancer and death. I didn't say any of this because I was so pissed off that someone would say that about my people with me in the room.

I even had my hair braided in two little pocahontas braids.

I've never heard people say such mean things about Native Americans while I was standing there. I'm still pissed.

I told this story to some of my aquantances here. They all said the same thing- the girl probably didn't realize that I was native because I am better educated and more of a mixed breed than the natives they are accustomed to seeing. She didn't look at me and see native because I wasn't poorly dressed, in pain, drunk, or unkempt. She looked at me and didn't know what to think.

I will get over it eventually, I suppose. Until then, I need to continue speaking out and writing about our people.

that bitch.