Instead of a list of good things, I thought I would write a little about hte super secret evile voice that lives in my head. I watched Donnie Darko yesterday evening and I think that awful bunny rabbit has started sending me messages too.

A little negative self talk for you to enjoy (also known as list of negative resolutions for the new year):

I've got to stop slouching or else I will look like my Grandmother with bad kyphosis and i won't be able to lay down flat in a bed without having trouble breathing. I can't believe I stopped running for an entire month. No wonder I gained all that weight. I don't even know why I bother going to the duchess lately when all I do is gain gain gain gain ounce by ounce. Except that they don't do it by ounce, but that's beside the point. I need to wax my legs but I can't be bothered because I am lazy. Too lazy to wax legs and too lazy to finish my thesis. Oh, the thesis, why do I bother? It's going to be crap and I won't be able to publish it because I am too shy to ask anyone for help with the analysis because if I ask for help then it means I can't do it myself. Stupid methods of analysis, why do you have to be so technical? You're qualitative! Oh- the cash flow problem is baaad. I must stop spending so much money on stupid crap like craft projects. If I just work harder on my thesis I wouldn't have time to work on a quilt. Why am I making a quilt anyway when I don't NEED another damn blanket? We have more blankets in this apartment than we could possibly use even in the coldest winter of the millenium. Which this winter isn't.

Why am I writing in Diaryland when I should be writing about who I am and why I am here and then getting those words published in major journals so that other indians can identify with my problems and we can all support each other through our little identity crises? Thanks a lot, manifest destiny. bastards. Oh, I need to stop picking apart my life and I need to stop picking on my poor husband who has his own inner life too. I need to stop picking on my mother and my brother and myself. I need to spend more time writing emails to my dear friends to remind them that I still exist at least.

Who am I to think that I should bother with this doctorate? Why can't I just do my own work and be paid just to be me? Who am I fooling with this whole brainy research person? No foolin'.

I should be at home in New Mexico taking care of my grandma.

I should be writing my thesis.

I should be reading my homework (on the first day of school! bleh.)

I should be making dinner.

I should be taller, smarter, skinnier, more complex, read more, eat less, sit up straight, run every day, be at peace with the world, myself, be a yoga master like Rodney Yee.

nope.