I have been going back and forth about whether I wanted to write this entry in my diary. Like writing it makes it real. Like I have to face up to what I am thinking about all the time.

Anyway, it's almost the end of May, and the rain is pouring down. again. without break, this rain pelts us. the sky is falling. I've been telling myself that this weather is the cause for my pain, that once the weather stops I can be happy again. The rain won't stop falling and I am falling with it.

I've been trying to decide for about a month now whether I am actually clinically depressed. The real kind of depressed- the kind that needs help to recover. I go back and forth over it, kind of like I have gone back and forth about writing about it here. I have classic symptoms, but I keep finding other causes for them. Mostly, I just blame it on my medication. The bad thing is that I am slowly going off my medication, and the depression hasn't abated. If anything, it's gotten worse.

This entire year has been very low for me. In a time when I should be overjoyed I just feel numb. irritated. quiet. I just want to return home to sleep, and read, and watch tv. I only get really bad just before my period, but those times are really really bad.

I've been withdrawing from my communities. digs hasn't caught my interest lately, nor have I been reading other diaries on diaryland. I've been going to work, which I enjoy, and I have been keeping up with my social obligations, but nothing more. I would have liked to join the digscrew for the NY digsmeet but I just can't work up the energy to catch the train down to the city. I just can't work up the energy to drive to the freaking train station, let alone be social with a whole new group of friends/strangers. It's overwhelming.

I am not looking for attention from everyone, I just wanted to offer a small explanation for why I am not as involved as I could be and have been in the past. I'm depressed.

I'll be okay soon.