I've been having a lot of moments lately. moments where i realize just what it is I am doing.

*gasp* I am pulling morphine out of a vial to give to a dying woman.

*gasp* I am taking the fifth shower of the day to try to get this icky humidity off me.

*gasp* I am writing a little note to my husband.

*gasp* I am turning in my financial aid papers so I can be a doctoral student.

*gasp* I am no longer taking any medications.

These are all very big things. It is such a suprise to myself that I am a nurse, working as a nurse. nursing. After four years of talking about how I would be a nurse, now I am a nurse. Not just a nurse, but a nurse who cares for the portion of our population who are "actively dying."

I am married! dang. that snuck up on me. I am living in New England! How did that happen? How did I end up in humidity central, with crappy winters and wet muggy summers?

I am going to be a doctor of something? This is the one I struggle the most with, probably because it isn't done yet. In fact, I have a lot of work to do before it is done. I am supposed to be sending in my applications to take the boards to become a nurse practitioner today. Once I am an official NP, I can work as an adult NP in some office somewhere. Instead, I am choosing to go back to school to become a doctor of nursing. what am I thinking? hmmm. go to school for a million squillion years to become something that really doesn't mean much to anyone but other nurses, or start work as an NP and make money and gain proficiency and have some sort of stability. Of course, I have chosen the hard way out. what, am I stupid?

well.... maybe just naive. inexperienced. enamored by the possibility of being a professional researcher and nurse practitioner who makes a difference in the lives of the people she works with.

I have to keep my eyes on the prize. and the prize is a long way off.

but for now... the humidity! ack.