I've been thinking a lot lately about power and control. Maybe because I am feeling more and more powerless and out of control. The emotional crap is starting to become bothersome (I cried yesterday when I passed a hearse while they were loading the coffin into it) and the body issues are a problem.

I know a person who is incredibly indecisive. She can't make up her mind about ANYTHING, especially when that anything involves spending money. Shopping for anything with her is especially painful. So painful, I have sworn off doing it from on. And I like to shop. She is indecisive about where she goes and what she does. And I realized the other day that this is how she exerts her power. By not making decisions, she has actual power against her family. Her family tries to control her and she doesn't commit to anything, which then puts her in the driver's seat. fascinating. This is very different from the non-planning my own family takes part in. We are typical native in that we just don't make plans and then have everything come together when we need it to. This is very hard for outsiders to grasp, but it works for us. I think the difference is that there isn't any one person who is holding the ticket- you can't get ANYONE in the family to commit. together we bumble through things and allow lives to flow a little more organically.

I am in the process of losing control of my body. Since the first month of pregnancy, I was pretty clear that all of a sudden there was this other influencing force that colored decisions I might make. But now that I am growing larger and feeling less and less good it is dawning on me that my body now is in complete custody of a one-pound person living in my stomach. It's a little unnerving. I can't control things like pain because I can't take pain medication. I can't control things like how much I eat, because he just forces me to throw it back up if I take in too much. I am uncomfortable and there is very little I can do about it.

no wonder I am grouchy.

I hate losing control. I am a very good control freak. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with that. I just want to have a little say in things every now and then.

Another power issue that was identified in discussion about this very subject with my dear friend is the way people use their words to control you. This friend talked about how people use pet names like "honey" and the like to objectify others. She uses this when she is out at bars and is addressing men. As a single woman, she has to show them that she is in control, that she is not afraid of them. We have another friend who constantly replaces your name for honey or sweetie or whatever. In discussion we acknowledged that neither of us likes being called honey, nor do we appreciate when people adjust our names according to their needs. Nurses do this in the hospital all the time- replace names with pet names. I think it's partly because it's hard to remember patient's names when they are constantly changing, and partly it's about who is the authority figure.

This brings up another musing. pet names= respect issue or control issue? a little of both.

Okay, I can recognize when I am rambling. See, sweets and I are on thin ice these days because he is in total control and I am this lumpy unhappy lump and his family is surrounding us with love this weekend and I am feeling completely powerless. So I am at school instead of working it out with him in an effort to avoid an ugly argument. later, I will go home and we won't speak for awhile. then, eventually it will all blow over. But these are the glamorous details of a young married couple, take them or leave them.