I want to influence people. I want my words to survive beyond just me. I want someone to read what I've written and think for just a second that they aren't alone. Just a little second without isolation or the feeling that they aren't the first person to be where they are or to be thinking what they are thinking.

I know it sounds really egocentric of me. Why should I think that I am so brilliant that anyone else even cares about what I write or what I say? Why would anyone else want to live a life in parallel to mine? I read my diaries and contributions to digs and think sometimes that I am really just an arrogant pain in the ass.

I have this dream. A fantasy, really. It's all because I'm living this unscripted life and sometimes I just wish there was one other person out there who could give me a hint how it all comes out. Anyway, my dream is about my life. Not so much that i want seven point three somethings to match my five and a half other items in my two car garage and my bulging bank account. My fantasy is that I write down my stories and someone else actually cares about them enough to want to share them with others. And then the fantasy gets even more far-fetched. Then the fantasy branches out to people who feel similarly disenfranchised. Maybe one of those people finds my words and reads them and they don't feel so alone.

Who really cares about my fantasy? Why is my story so compelling that anyone other than those people who already care about me would be interested?

This past summer I was telling a patient about my study. He was a guy about my father's age, and he was dying of colon cancer. He'd been through a lot already, and now he was being forced to suffer through the indignanty of being hospitalized. So we chatted a little about my study and what it was about. He was interested, or at least he feigned interest for my benefit. He did say something that touched at me- he told me that my work would guarantee me a page in the book of life.

I'm about the last person to talk to about religion. In fact, I think I AM the last person to talk to about religion. Which is why I had no idea what he was talking about. So he had to explain to me that he believed that good deeds got your name written in the book of life. An entry in the book of life promises that the afterlife is an experience of heaven, of paradise.

I don't want my work to ensure me anything in the next world. Regardless, this man's response to my work made me feel good. It hinted at what I aim for- to do good things for other people for the benefit of humanity.

I can't count how many times I have surfed until I found a diary that gave me a little escape. I hope I have a little positive influence on others who are also wandering through their lives. I hope those diaries I pop in on also recognize the good they offer up to me.

this entry didn't go where I thought it would when I started. but that's okay- if anything I've learned that I can sometimes just meander around until I find a conclusion. which I think should go about here.