Today is the 14th and I have successfully done an entry a day thus far for all of December. pats on the backs. It will probably be a little more difficult when the winter holiday madness is at a fever pitch, but for now I am pleased with my ability to stick to the plan.

Snowing again. I'm suprised to see this much snow, I wonder if this is just a hint of the winter we have to come. I like snow because I feel like you actually get something for your suffering, but then again I'm supposed to drive an hour away tomorrow to interview a patient and I am not that excited about making the drive on the icy backroads of connecticut.

We went to a mall last night to return some items and try to do a little shopping. I learned that there really is no place for a pregnant woman in the american mall. I was able to find and purchase one crucial item: a better bra, but that was all. It was a big case of water water everywhere. And I swear, we went into any store that might have maternity clothes in it with high hopes. So for now I will just get by with my two sweaters and three pairs of pants until I fit into the bigger maternity stuff I have been given. It is way too exhausting to bother shopping for other maternity items, I promise you this.

While trying on bras at the depressingly well-lit department store last night I was shocked to see the changes happening to my body. I spent so much time learning to like the body I was given. I put so much energy into exercising and developing a strong body, and then I got pregnant. I was too tired, too sick to bear the thought of exercise. Then I was too tired and sick to do anything but eat crap for a few weeks. And now I am even more chubby, more fat looking and no less pregnant looking.

We were looking for a baby book last night at the mall and ran across a pregnancy journal titled: I'm not fat, I'm pregnant! That is how I feel. I know I should release myself of these useless vanities because it is just going to get worse, but I am really struggling with it all. To see my body change and to wonder if it will ever recover is a little distressing. Well, a lot distressing.

This whole discussion makes me feel self-conciously selfish. I know that it looks this way to the outsider, and I am a bit ashamed of my superficial pity party. But if you recall, I went from weighing 173 pounds in 1999 to weighing 135 pounds last year. I lost a lot of weight and I was getting to a point where I was really quite happy with my body. I felt good about it, even.

People try to reassure me that this weight is necessary. My body is working hard right now and needs the nutrition for the road ahead. I would rather eat than feel sick all the time, which is partly the case these days, but I would rather be less roly-poly than be sick also. This is a difficult balance.

I won't whine any longer about this useless issue. I know I will look back on this and be embarrassed that I felt this way, I will look back when I have a healthy, chubby baby and be relieved that I did what I needed to do to have this baby. But for now, all I wish is that I looked pregnant and not just chubby bunny.