even though I haven't been entering entries every day like I said I was going to, I have been thinking about them.

here are some ideas I had (taken from little bits of note paper strewn about my desk):

1) winter holidays

2) death, familiarity, remove the mystery

3) dave matthews band

4) write 100 things

5) trust and friendship

6) friendships ending over trust

blah blah. but when I get home from work there just isn't enough mental energy to actually form complete thoughts. I didn't work today, which gave me a little more introspection time.

So I will start at the top, I suppose. The winter holidays are here yet again and I am yet again forced to try to find some sort of sense in my confused mangled briar patch of a mind. I was raised to celebrate gifts on december 25th. We would do this with food and a tree decorated with silly ornaments and discussion of this figure commonly known as Santa Claus. This is in the context of a family that is very strongly non-christian. Stop me if you've heard this before.

Anyway, in my adult life I have started to appreciate people who recognize the essential attributes of their holidays. Easter is about this character being brough back from the dead, or something like that. Don't celebrate it. We celebrate a spring fertility time, involving eggs. thanksgiving is about indians eating a lot of good food. we celebrate that. wholeheartedly. the genocide comes later, of course, but the fact that my people were generous enough to make an effort to prevent sure starvation of a group of strangers is worth celebrating. But Christmas?

I already call it "winter holiday." I don't like to think that I celebrate christmas, per say. I like to think that I play along because I like the tradition and the presents and the sentiment of having a time when a family MUST come together for a period of time and show appreciation for each other. And, I like the presents. I used to puzzle over how we would remove the christian overtones of the holiday and make our own tradition, because I don't particularly appreciate when people appropriate Native American traditions for their own needs. Anyway, if this seems inarticulate, that is because the whole problem is a jumble in my mind.

In addition, I am in conflict with my sweets, because he doesn't share the aversion to christianity that I do. He isn't as emotionally attached to the long history of domination and genocide the christian church holds as it's heritage. So when I spout off about another anti-christian thing, he just gets irritated. (we're also having problems with baby names because, not only do I want an apache name for our baby, but I have absolutely ruled out any name that can be found in the bible.)

Adding to the complexity is the fact that kids love santa. LOVE santa. and that is just so cute! How can I deny myself the pleasure of continuing this long tradition of deceipt?

no answers here, only questions. step aside folks, nothing to see here. move along.