I'm feeling pretty down today. It amazes me how much the weather affects my mood. We have rain in the forecast for the next three days, and I am in a slump. Coincidence? I think not. I need sunlight and clear skies in order to think clearly.

I was up five times last night. The last time was the worst- the cat was walking down the hallway and the floorboards were creaking. this woke me up with a start, paranoid that someone was in the apartment. I had to review in my mind just how impossible it would be for a criminal to sneak unnoticed far enough into our apartment to be at the point where they were walking down the hallway. Even so, my heart was racing and I was debating whether I should wake sweets.

I had a strange dream last night. I was at the school pool swimming laps and for some strange reason there wasn't anyone else in the pool. I dove down to try to swim underwater for awhile and ended up on the bottom of the deep end of the pool, lost. I couldn't figure out which end was up and which was down and I was running out of breath. I did make it back up to the surface, but I had that horrible scared breathless feeling when I did surface. I woke up feeling like I couldn't breathe to find that I still felt like I couldn't breathe because the baby is riding high today.

I suppose I could see that dream as part artifact from the sheer difficulty I have with getting a full chest full of air these days. I could also see it as an anxiety dream, of being lost and stuck in something and unable to bring myself out. I could also see it as a triumph dream, where I AM able to return to the surface without harm, a survivor. The problem with the latter is that I am still left with that unsettling feeling of drowning, even with the survival element.

The dream does seem to illustrate my waking life these days- surrounded by torrential rain, swimming in overdue assignments and papers I have no idea how I will eventually focus upon long enough to produce... and the weight of the burden of parenthood forcing me to the bottom of the pool. I just have to remember that I DID emerge in my dream and I will come out the other side in my waking life as well. It's just a matter of time.

Six weeks left, give or take a few weeks. I can't wait to see this little child, to hold him and look in his eyes and feel his body leave mine. I can't wait to find out if the mysterious square inch will also disappear when he is born. I can't wait for summer to come and to have long days of learning what it's like to be a mom. I can't wait to fall in love with my son, even more so than I am now.