Whirlwind 72 hours in new haven. In the past few days sweets and I have been forced to negotiate tricky relationship waters and it isn't working so well.

First, I got an email from my dad on Sunday (which happened to also be sweets' birthday) in which he proposed that we buy his property off him so his soon to be ex-wife can't take it in the divorce settlement. We were already planning on moving back home after school, and I thought we had sort of agreed to move back on to my dad's land. If he were to lose the land, he would lose his studio, which would be a very bad situation for an old artist. I'm all for doing what I can to help out, but sweets is a lot more cautious. Last night we had a long conversation about all the reasons why he thinks this would be what he called a "sinking ship" and that I should just stay out of it. But see, I want to go back home! I want to live there. I think it could work out. But it's not my money we're spending so I have to respect sweets and his concerns.

When big problems come up in my life, I tend to be more fatalistic. Things tend to work out, issues tend to be ironed out both with effort and time. This philosophy usually works for me. Sweets has a much more proactive approach, and sometimes this approach creates tension between us. Last night was full of this tension, with him throwing all these worse-case-scenarios at me and me feeling like saying "stop this and let's just focus on making it work!" It's true that there are a lot of unanswered questions concerning the exchange of this land, but the bottom line is that I want to move there and it's starting to look as though sweets doesn't.

We have friends who are in a similar situation. Well, not really, but they have a problem that is reminiscent. She is from the Bronx, and he is from a teeny little town in Illinois. When they talk about where they want to settle, it is as though they haven't ever talked about it. He wants to go home to illinois and she wants to live in california and neither seems to be able to compromise. Here, I thought sweets was all ready to move back to new mexico with me as soon as possible and now it is starting to look like he was stalling but doesn't intend to do anything of the sort.

I would go slowly insane if I had to live in New England for the rest of my life. Except that it wouldn't really be a slow process... I would go rapidly insane if I knew I was trapped here forever.

The other big issue is our truck. We have a truck that my grandfather bought me just before he died. Yesterday we took the truck in for servicing and they gave us the hospice certification. The clutch cable is going (which is why we were at the garage in the first place), the head gasket is blown, and there is some horrible thing wrong with the motor that will cause the engine to explode any old time it wants. Once the engine explodes, that is the end of the truck. We wouldn't want that to happen while someone is driving it. That would be pretty bad. So now we are forced to deal with this situation in some way.

To be told five weeks before your baby is due that you will have to buy a new car is not pleasant news. We have to unload this vehicle sooner rather than later and have this issue be over.

So we're looking at a situation where ALL our savings could be sucked up right before the baby comes. This is horrible.

I hate this stress. I have enough to think about without getting up at 5:00 in the morning worrying about where my little sister will sleep if we buy my father's home.

What I really hate is being trapped into making decisions. I feel pretty isolated and trapped already- I have this body that doesn't want to cooperate, I have this schoolwork that won't go away no matter how long I procrastinate, I have pain that reminds me of my mortality every single freaking day, and now I am trapped in this town, in this time, in this place. I think I need a vacation.