Today is another day. Today brings us one day closer to having our little guy here. I've started talking to the little guy, urging him to come out and see us. "hey little guy!" I say, "we're ready for you when you are! Everything you need is right here, waiting for you. Your dad and I can't wait to meet you.
Jasmine is anxious to find out what all this fuss is about! any time now...."
Of course, we'll never be completely ready for him, but you never let your audience see your shortcomings before the curtain goes up. When I used to perform a lot I would get these nervous moments just prior to playing where I would want to confess that I hadn't practiced enough or that I was having trouble with the tempo or the fingerings were still difficult. But I learned that if I just kept my mouth shut and played the best I could, usually my audience didn't notice what I thought might be my glaring shortcomings. This has become a bit of a rule in my life- never tell people your shortcomings before you perform. Let them tell you. So, little guy, I'm not going to tell you that I am nervous about my family legacy of alcoholism and dysfunctional males and I would never tell you that I am very nervous that breastfeeding isn't going to be easy. We'll just wait until you're here and then we'll wing it. Later on we can debrief about what worked and what didn't work.
I'm getting more and more uncomfortable. Each thing that happens makes me convinced that it really couldn't get much worse. But he's really sinking into my pelvis now and there is NO way to be comfortable when one feels one is splitting in two. When he moves it feels like a bag of snakes- big snakes- is twisting in my abdomen, pressing down and out and up all at once. Today that pressure sensation is actually accompanied by a little pain/discomfort. Are these labor pains? you tell me. I don't think so- I think there has to be more before I'm done.
The couch has turned out to be my saving grace in the whole endeavor. I took a nap in our bed today and the entire time I was thinking about how much my hips hurt. I don't have that hip pain when I'm on the couch. Sitting is much more comfortable when I'm on the exercise/birthing ball. (It always irritates me when my midwife friends come over and make a big deal about me owning a "birthing ball" like no-one in the history of humankind ever used one of these things for exercises.) So I sit on the birthing ball, which causes contractions, but feels better on the pelvis. I just wish it wasn't always rolling away from me when I get up.
The only other change is that I've lost about four pounds in the last 24 hours. I don't really know what this is about, but apparently that is a sign of imminent labor. I hope so.
In case you haven't heard me bitch enough about my preliminary exams, it appears they will not be allowing me to take them tomorrow. Gee- that's nice to know in advance, huh? I've been convinced to take them if I can before the baby gets here, which means I will be sitting and testing away on Thursday and Friday morning. If I am having a day like today, with lots of movement and pain and discomfort, I can't imagine I will be doing well. But that is the consensus. Get it over with! So that is where I stand. Now I am going to go force myself to sit on the ball and study for an hour and a half, until my appointment to have the car seat installed.
and maybe tonight I will go into labor? i'll keep my fingers crossed. you too, okay?