A flock of geese just flew over my apartment, honking and flapping. The summer is really over and the weather is gradually turning to cold winter. We're getting ready to have another long season in this drafty New England apartment. Over the weekend we bought a new hallway runner to protect our innocent toes from the icy morning floor. We also bought plastic sheeting for the windows and two more space heaters. One to replace the bathroom heater that I have worn out in a mere four years, and a new one to use in the bedroom during the night so the boy doesn't wake up frostbitten. Our apartment is heated by forced air, which is extremely noisy, so we needed to find something that wouldn't wake everyone up when the temp dropped below 60 degrees inside. I admit freely that I am a cold-weather wuss.

I cut my hair. Just in time, it appears- the boy has really become fascinated with hair grabbing in the past week. That and glasses grabbing. I am constantly wiping tiny little fingerprints off my glasses. Being that I am somewhat neurotic about preferring clean glasses, this may become an issue. But then again, it may not.

Few things are becoming issues these days, simply because I am way too tired to even concern myself with anything but the most necessary. I even had frozen fish sticks yesterday in place of fresh sushi because I was too tired to go pick up the sushi from the restaurant. Those who know me personally will understand what a major change this is. But exhaustion makes you crazy.

I shouldn't talk though. Last night was a pretty good night and today I feel a tad bit replenished. How smug we were back at month two when the boy was only waking up two or three times a night. We thought, gee- this isn't so bad. We can handle this, and it's only going to get better, right? We were so so wrong. The week I returned to school the boy started his frequent night wakings and he hasn't really stopped since. This is a major problem. I get so tired sometimes I feel like I'm sleepwalking through my days. Each moment is a haze of cloudy sleep deprived fatigue. Then I have a good night like last night and everything seems okay again.

Lately I've been struggling with the impermanence of childhood. My only real point of reference prior to the birth of the boy was my own childhood, and that is permananently etched into my being. But coming at it from another angle illuminates for me just how fleeting it all is. In four months my boy has gone from being a brand new, fairly non-communicative being to a happy, laughing, grabbing, wanting to sit/walk/crawl/be-over-there-not-here person. We buy things for him and then two weeks later they are too small or broken or just uninteresting. I am really fascinated by just how quickly he grows and matures. He's already sitting up by himself! He recognizes my face next to other people's faces! He sees me at the end of the day and smiles, even when he's fussy! How different he is now in comparison to the first weeks.

He's outgrown his first car seat. We were given the car seat thinking it would last him at least until winter holidays, when the follow-up car seat would be given as a gift. Well, no. In fact, at four months, he needs a new car seat sooner, rather than later. His old car seat hardly looks used! It is unreal that these things I used to think of as investments ("well, at least we won't have to buy another one for awhile") are in fact very transient. He used his swing for about a week. He used his bouncy seat for about three months. Already we're scouring the apartment, picking up little tiny things that he might put in his mouth, even though he still can't pick up anything smaller than a quarter. He can't pick it up this morning, but he might be able to tomorrow morning.

I understand now why women grab at babies and hold them close and breathe them in. He is growing so quickly, I will be one of those women in no time at all.

But at the same time, he is still a little baby and we are getting by each day as it comes.

Oh yeah, and school is going pretty well. thanks for asking.