Sweets is off in the city tonight with his old roommate, sure to have adventures, alcohol, and who knows what. I'm at home with sore nipples, a baby who won't go to sleep, and a headache. Sweets wasn't sure if he was going to come home tonight or tomorrow. I asked him to call by 9:0 and he wasn't sure if he could do that. I actually said "well, you have a wife and a baby at home now. It seems to me that's the least you could do." He begrudgingly agreed.

I hate to admit this, but I am jealous. In the past year, sweets has gone to weddings and out for drinks with his friends and on overnight trips to distant places and long drives to the forest and he has eaten whatever he wants. He hasn't had to deal with forbidden foods and no alcohol and slow weight gain and very very slow, if nonexistent weight loss and pain in every part of his body and parts he doesn't even have. He hasn't lost the pigmentation around his nipples from a little boy's vigorous sucking, nor has he had scabs or rashes or chunks of skin missing from his nipples. He hasn't been forced to attach himself to a machine every day (sometimes twice) in order to produce enough food for his kid. He doesn't have to deal with waking up every hour all night long. He can disappear without the cell phone for an entire day, or decide to not turn it on and miss any phone calls, or just decide to set up himself in someone else's office for the afternoon so nobody can reach him.

I was just laying in bed, trying desperately to get the boy to sleep a little longer than 15 minutes so I could write this entry. I was trying to keep from crying. I know I am thankful and I love my son and I know this is worth it, but I can't help feeling resentful. It doesn't help any that sweets is out with the friend who is wild and crazy and does wild and crazy things and doesn't really like me anyway. And it doesn't help that I wasn't even invited to the soiree this evening. Nor was I included in any of the planning.

I'm also a little bitter that my schoolwork takes up all my free time. So even though I had originally thought I may be able to join sweets for a quick jaunt into realityland, I had to stay home because I am just so worn out from school and work and baby that I couldn't muster up enough energy to make the trip. But sweets can sleep in the spare bed and get a solid eight hours sleep uninterrupted.

I think tomorrow night I am going to have him sleep in bed again and I will disappear for awhile and he can do the all night thing with bottles. that'll show him. Except that our apartment is so small the baby crying will wake me up anyway. And this all just sucks. I'm so tired, so sore. So fed up.

Saturday night glamour in new baby land.